Why Leaders Think They Care But Their Teams Don't Feel It
"While we have found that the biggest function that is missing in leader development is actually Develop, this one is the most felt neglected one."
With this observation about caring for those we lead, Terry Cook touches on one of the most perplexing paradoxes in leadership: the care gap. Leaders almost universally believe they care for their team members, yet those team members often don't feel cared for.
As Cook explains, "Typically I'll hear those being led share how they know their leader cares for them. They just don't always feel that the leader cares."
This distinction between knowing and feeling is critical. It highlights the difference between a leader's intentions and their impact. And it reveals why caring leadership remains one of the most challenging aspects of the Trusted Leader Model to implement effectively.
The Care Gap Explained
Cook gets to the heart of the issue when he notes, "Most of the time there is a distance between what is the leader's intent and actions. I've never had a leader say he or she didn't care for those they led. It just often doesn't come through in their actions."
This gap exists because of a fundamental disconnect:
Leaders translate their care through the intent of their heart while others only see the actions.
This insight explains why so many well-intentioned leaders struggle to have their care felt by those they lead. They assume their good intentions are evident, when in reality, people can only experience and respond to demonstrable actions.
Why the Gap Persists
Several factors contribute to the persistence of this gap between leader intentions and team member experiences:
1. Assumption of Visibility
Leaders often assume their care is visible when it isn't. They know they care internally, so they believe this care must be obvious to others.
2. Different Care Languages
Just as people have different love languages in personal relationships, they have different "care languages" in professional contexts. What communicates care to one person may not register with another.
3. Competing Priorities
Care intentions frequently get crowded out by urgent demands, leaving little time for care actions. Leaders intend to follow up, check in, or provide support, but pressing tasks intervene.
4. Cognitive Bias
Leaders tend to overestimate how often they demonstrate care and underestimate how much care team members need to feel valued.
5. Power Dynamics
The power differential between leaders and team members can distort perception on both sides, making it harder for authentic care to be expressed and received.
The Four Operational Aspects of Care
To bridge this care gap, Cook's Trusted Leader Model offers four operational aspects of care—practical ways to turn care intentions into care experiences:
1. Know - Awareness and Recognition
"This is harder than it appears for it requires time, effort, and a refocusing of our attention from ourselves to others."
Knowing involves being genuinely aware of people's situations, needs, challenges, and aspirations. It means noticing what's happening in their professional and, to an appropriate extent, personal lives.
Many leaders fail at caring because they simply don't see what's before them. As Cook notes, "Many leaders just don't see what's before them. They are too busy or distracted with other things to really see. Others don't want to see."
Practical Actions to Improve Knowing:
Schedule regular one-on-ones focused on the person, not just tasks
Ask better questions that go beyond surface-level project updates
Take notes about personal details, challenges, and aspirations
Remove distractions during conversations (put away devices, close the laptop)
Create systems to track important information about team members
Pay attention to changes in behavior, energy levels, or work patterns
2. Connect - Understanding and Empathy
"This is a really tough one to get. Often leaders try to alleviate discomfort in others by saying there's really no reason for them to feel that way."
Connecting involves communicating that you understand and vicariously experience others' feelings, thoughts, and experiences. It's about empathy—putting yourself in their position and letting them know you get it.
Cook highlights a common mistake: telling people they shouldn't feel a certain way rather than acknowledging and connecting with how they actually feel.
Practical Actions to Improve Connecting:
Validate feelings before moving to solutions
Practice reflective listening ("It sounds like you're feeling...")
Share appropriate personal experiences that demonstrate understanding
Avoid dismissing concerns with phrases like "Don't worry about it"
Make eye contact and give full attention during conversations
Follow up on previously discussed concerns or challenges
Acknowledge the legitimacy of different perspectives and experiences
3. Provide - Meeting Needs
"You don't necessarily have to provide everything, but often the leader is in a position to provide things that those they lead can't get for themselves."
Providing involves ensuring that people have what they need for success. This includes tangible resources like tools, information, and time, as well as intangible support like opportunity, advocacy, and feedback.
Leaders are uniquely positioned to provide things team members cannot access themselves.
Practical Actions to Improve Providing:
Regularly ask "What do you need to be successful?"
Remove obstacles that hinder performance or development
Create opportunities for growth and visibility
Provide honest, timely feedback that helps people improve
Advocate for team members with senior leadership
Give credit publicly and specifically
Ensure equitable access to resources and opportunities
4. Protect - Creating Safety
"Looking out for the best interest of others and providing a safe and predictable context for them."
Protecting involves creating psychological safety and a predictable environment where people can take risks, make mistakes, and bring their authentic selves to work without fear of negative consequences.
Cook uses a powerful image to illustrate this aspect: "I saw a photo where a herd of water buffaloes were being menaced by some lions. The buffaloes took an amazing position. The four of them butted up against each other so that every direction was covered."
Practical Actions to Improve Protecting:
Defend team members from unfair criticism or blame
Create psychological safety where people can speak up without fear
Maintain confidentiality when appropriate
Be consistent and predictable in your behavior and decisions
Take responsibility for team failures while sharing credit for successes
Buffer the team from unnecessary organizational politics and drama
Stand up for team members even when it's uncomfortable
Care in Different Contexts
How care is demonstrated may vary across different leadership contexts:
Organizational Leadership
In business settings, care might include:
Advocating for fair compensation and recognition
Creating development opportunities
Protecting from unnecessary stress and politics
Knowing about career aspirations and helping achieve them
Providing meaningful work and necessary resources
Family Leadership
In family leadership, care might include:
Being present and attentive during family time
Creating emotional safety for vulnerability
Knowing each family member's unique needs and challenges
Providing guidance while respecting autonomy
Protecting from harmful influences while allowing necessary growth experiences
Community Leadership
In community contexts, care might include:
Knowing the diverse needs of community members
Connecting with different perspectives and experiences
Providing platforms for underrepresented voices
Protecting vulnerable community members
From Intention to Action
Cook emphasizes that the key to bridging the care gap is moving from heart-felt intent to demonstrable action: "They need to rethink their thinking."
Here's a practical process for making this shift:
1. Audit Your Care Actions
Make an honest assessment of how frequently you demonstrate each aspect of care—knowing, connecting, providing, and protecting. Don't count intentions, only actions.
2. Identify Your Care Gaps
Determine which aspects of care you demonstrate least consistently or effectively.
3. Seek Input
Ask team members how they experience your care. What makes them feel valued and supported? What would help them feel more cared for?
4. Create Care Habits
Develop specific routines that ensure care happens regularly:
Calendar reminders for check-ins
Templates for one-on-one conversations
Regular team appreciation practices
Systems for tracking and following up on needs
5. Start Small and Consistent
Rather than grand gestures, focus on small, consistent demonstrations of care that compound over time.
6. Measure Impact, Not Intent
Evaluate yourself based on how team members experience your care, not how much you intend to care.
Why Leaders Must Care
Some might question whether care belongs in the workplace at all. Isn't business about results, not feelings?
Cook's model clearly positions care as one of the three essential functions of trusted leadership, alongside lead and develop. This isn't just a nice-to-have—it's fundamental to effective leadership.
Research consistently shows that when people feel cared for:
Engagement increases
Retention improves
Innovation flourishes
Collaboration strengthens
Resilience grows
Performance improves
As Cook notes, "People don't leave jobs, they leave bosses. They don't feel that their boss has their best interest at heart or the boss doesn't create a safe and predictable environment."
From Knowing Care to Feeling Care
The heart of Cook's message about care is the need to bridge the gap between leaders knowing they care and team members feeling cared for. This requires intentional translation of care intents into care actions.
When leaders demonstrate care through consistent knowing, connecting, providing, and protecting, they create an environment where people can bring their best selves to work. They build the trust that is essential to influence, development, and sustained results.
The old joke Cook references about the man who loved his wife so much he almost told her perfectly captures the care gap that exists in many leadership relationships. Good intentions remain invisible until expressed through demonstrable actions.
By rethinking their thinking about care, leaders can close this gap and become the kind of trusted leaders people genuinely want to follow.