Connect: Building Empathy in Leadership

Written By Todd Cothran

"This is a really tough one to get. Often leaders try to alleviate discomfort in others by saying there's really no reason for them to feel that way." - Terry Cook

In Terry Cook's Trusted Leader Model, the second vital element of demonstrable care is connecting - communicating understanding and vicariously experiencing others' feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This is fundamentally about empathy and emotional presence.

Why Connecting Matters

Connecting is essential to care for several critical reasons:

  • It Validates Experiences: When leaders connect emotionally, they affirm that others' feelings and experiences are legitimate.

  • It Reduces Isolation: Empathetic connection assures people they aren't alone in their challenges.

  • It Builds Trust: Emotional understanding creates safety for vulnerability and openness.

  • It Precedes Problem-Solving: Effective solutions typically emerge only after people feel their experience has been understood.

The Connecting Challenge

Cook highlights a common mistake leaders make: trying to "alleviate discomfort in others by saying there's really no reason for them to feel that way."

This points to several obstacles to genuine connection:

  • Discomfort with Emotions: Many leaders feel awkward or unprepared to engage with emotions in professional contexts.

  • Problem-Solving Reflex: Leaders often rush to fix problems rather than first connecting with the experience.

  • Dismissing Perspectives: It's tempting to tell people their feelings are unwarranted rather than seeking to understand them.

Practicing Connecting

Here are practical ways to strengthen the "connecting" element of care in your leadership:

Develop Empathetic Listening

  • Reflect Feelings: "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated by this situation."

  • Validate Experiences: "That would be challenging for anyone" or "I can see why you'd feel that way."

  • Avoid Minimizing: Replace "It's not that bad" with "This seems really difficult for you."

Share Appropriately

  • Show Vulnerability: When relevant, share your own experiences of similar challenges.

  • Acknowledge Impact: "I can imagine how that would affect your work and well-being."

  • Express Genuine Concern: "I'm concerned about how this is affecting you."

Be Physically Present

  • Maintain Eye Contact: Give visual attention that communicates focus.

  • Use Attentive Body Language: Lean in, nod, and use facial expressions that show engagement.

  • Remove Barriers: Come out from behind the desk or meet in neutral spaces.

Follow Through on Connection

  • Circle Back: "You mentioned last week that you were dealing with [challenge]. How is that going?"

  • Remember Details: Reference specific details from previous conversations.

  • Acknowledge Ongoing Situations: "I know you're still navigating that difficult situation at home."

This post is the second in a series exploring Terry Cook's four elements of demonstrable care: Know, Connect, Provide, and Protect. Check out the previous post on "Know: The Foundation of Caring Leadership" and stay tuned for the next installment on "Provide: Meeting Needs for Success."

Todd Cothran
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Know: The Foundation of Caring Leadership